He's just not that into you
by SinceILeftYou
Summary: Shepard has finally had enough of Garrus and his precious calibrations. Rated T for the odd expletive here and there.
1. Chapter 1

_Author notes: First fanfic! Yay! Though looking back now in the beginning the writing seems a bit clunky at times, it get's better after awhile though. Sort of. _

_Anyways, this is just an idea I had while playing Mass Effect 2. There I was, being irritated by Garrus' lack of dialogue options and I couldn't help but wonder: What would the real, not-limited-by-programming Femshep do? Well obviously not this. Written for (hopefully) humorous purposes only kids! _

_This is starting off as a oneshot but ideas for a second part swirled around my mind while writing this (including, quite possibly, one of the most awesome puns in the world). If this doesn't turn out a literary trainwreck, it may very well come into being!_

_All the usual disclaimer crap, Bioware owns Mass Effect, yadayadayada... I'll stop waffling now and let you start reading :)_

**He's just not that into you**

_"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."_

Shepard soughed as she walked away from the main battery, smearing off the red lipstick which she bought off of the citadel especially with the back of her hand. She didn't know whether Garrus was merely being very dense or just plain taking the piss, why did she let Tali and Kelly talk her into this stupid idea in the first place? She didn't know, maybe she was just feeling irritable after being rejected after a whole string of hints: Hell, she'd given her Turian friend a whole damn rope of suggestive comments and he was yet to give her anything back.

_"Maybe I'll go and talk to Jacob,"_ She thought to herself sarcastically _"Being spoken to as though I'm a bit of meat in a shop is looking better and better each time I'm blown off for a damn computer." _

"I'm guessing by the disarray that your lipstick is in things went according to plan?" She heard a familiar voice call at her from the mess area.

"No Tali, it did not." She sighed, slumping herself the chair next to her two friends already sitting at the table. Like Garrus, Tali had been with her during her investigation against Saren and was naturally her best friend and main confidante on the crew. On the other hand, her yeoman Kelly Chambers had used a combination of skills she'd learned doing a psychology degree, gentle hints and just being plain nosy to suss things out for herself. The pair had formed a team far more intimidating than a whole army of reapers, a team with only one goal in mind: Force Garrus in some way or another to submit to Shepard s feminine wiles.

"This is bullshit!" Shepard spat. "The other day I went into his room and he starts telling me about this Turian girl he once managed to bang back in his military days, something to do with 'reach' and 'flexibility'. And I was like, "_he isn't going on about calibrations; yes Shepard, you're in!_", so I said we could have a little tiebreaker of our own, test eachothers reach/flexibility, ifyaknowwhatImean. You know what he does? He starts giving me this speech on sparring. _Sparring!"_

She buried her head in her hands in frustration.

"Shepard, if you feel that way, maybe you ought to just come out and say how you feel to him. _Honestly_." Tali responded as she reached to hold her friends arm.

"No!" Kelly cried a little too suddenly, Shepard couldn't help but notice the scary glimmer which appeared in her eyes. "That's not how it's supposed to work! It's like in highschool, Garrus is the adorable, shy computer nerd and Shepard is the hot cheerleader. She secretly has feelings for him but is too nervous to admit it; he also has feelings for her but won't say anything, because he's a nerd and she's a cheerleader, I mean, there's no way in hell he thinks he has a shot! After many awkward moments between them, _snap_!" She snapped her fingers "The penny drops and he rushes off to find her crying on a balcony under the moon. They kiss and live happily ever after. The end."

Shepard could only stare.

"Kelly... I think you've been maybe thinking about this too much."

"I just want to see my friends happy, is that really such an insane notion to you?"

"So long as you're putting it that way, Yes. Yes it is."

"Whatever." Her expression brightened up considerably all of a sudden, the doom glimmer reappearing. "You know what we need to get us over all man crap we've had to deal with? A girlie night in!"

Shepard eyed her sceptically.

"This isn't going to be like the time you gave me a makeover is it?"

"I don't know Kelly," Tali said, rejoining the conversation "I'm feeling kind of tired; I've only just gotten over a fever, my omni-tool is still acting like a little bosh'tet all and on top of that the engine's gone ahead and gotten clogged up with dirt again. I really wish that Joker would stop messing about with the throttle to pass time when we're docked."

"And what if I were to say that I also happen to know a certain Quarian named Kal hasn't been emailing back quite as often as you'd like?"

"I would say I also happen to know that a nosy little human girl has been rummaging through my private emails again!"

Kelly's facial expression at this remark reminded Shepard of a Pyjack which has just realised it's been caught in scope.

"I was only trying to help Tali, please don't leave me to watch the vid alone. It's alright for you two; I know Garrus cares for you underneath it all, even if he won't say it. And Tali, Kal is probably just busy, you said yourself that working for the migrant fleet can be demanding at times. But me? I have nobody. Of course, I'm _honoured _to be able to work for Cerberus and alongside Shepard, but still, it just gets so lonely at times... "

"I suppose I could make the time." Tali mumbled; Kelly could be pushy up to the point of being plain irritating, but if she d known she felt that way...

"Fine. My cabin at 20 00 hours?" Shepard suggested as the guilt finally got the better of her.

Kelly grinned. "Excellent! The vid I downloaded off of the extranet is an early 21st century romantic comedy called 'He's just not that into you', appropriate for the situation I think. I'll bring the wine!"

Shepard groaned inwardly, she should have _known_ that Kelly was playing them. But maybe she was right: since she was resurrected how much time had she taken out for herself exactly? She didn't want to become some work-obsessed little Cerberus lapdog like Miranda after all.

"_Besides, I might even have fun." _She assured herself as she walked back to the lift "_What's the worst than can happen in any case?" _

* * *

"I can't believe it..." Shepard slurred as she cracked open her third Budweiser "I can't believe how damn much that Jared guy sounded just like Garrus!"

Together they had drunk several bottles of wine (one for Kelly and Shepard, another dextro amino for Tali) and had since been out raiding the Normandy for more alcohol. Between them they had found Chakwas serrice ice brandy supply, a special Quarian desert wine in the kitchens fridge, some pure ethanol from Mordin's laboratory and about half-a-dozen of Zaeed's vintage beers.

"I think_ hic_- Sorry, I think that we had a special term for that in psychology."

"Oh yeah, what was it then little miss psychology-degree-off-of-the-extranet?"

"Wishful thinking." Kelly retorted, collapsing into a fit of drunken giggles; although Shepard couldn't help but notice how her cheeks had reddened slightly just before she said it.

Tali on the other hand, had suddenly gone very quiet...

"You know what?" Shepard declared as she stumbled up onto her bed "That film taught me two things; One, if he'd rather calibrate weapons than make filthy metaphors with you, he's just not that into you."

"Two! It looks like a shitload of fun to act like a superbitch to guys who aren't that into you!"

"It sounds like you have a plan there Shepard!" Kelly cried, trying to raising her glass, but miserably failing.

"That I do!" Shepard grinned to herself mischievously; she d tell Garrus how she felt alright...

"Do you mind if I miss this one?" Tali squeaked "Pure ethanol... never again... need to lie down... Keelah Se'lai..."

* * *

Garrus did not expect the smell when he opened the door to the main battery. What in Palaven's name was it? A sweet, putrid smell which forced its way into his nostrils, overpowering him and making him feel ill. It smelt familiar, like one of the private rooms at Afterlife, but worse-

_Oh no._

His computer had been subject to a vandal attack. Confetti had been thrown all over the room, a strange translucent white veil had been haphazardly thrown on his computer but left to trail on the floor, red lipstick had been messily smeared all over the screens, whether or not the squiggles were meant to signify something it was hard to tell. As a final finishing touch whoever had been there had put a white lacy garter around the main control stick and pinned a note to it where the bow on the ribbon should have been. Whoever's writing it was it was hard to tell, clearly the work of someone too drunk to have a steady control of their hand. He turned to ask EDI what had happened exactly but found that the AI had been unplugged by the culprits. Reluctantly, he plucked the note off of the dashboard and began to decipher it. It took him several minutes to manage it but when he did realization sank into him like a heavy stone.

_If you love your calibrations so much, why don't you just goddamn marry them? Shepard._


	2. Chapter 2

_Author notes:The film choice nad budweiser were just my little way of having a bit of fun, gold stars to all of you who got the reference :)  
_

_This was finished way sooner than I anticipated and I am so much happier with the writing style than I was with part 1. Less focus on the humor this time, more on Shep/Garrus, although have still tried to keep it light and comical (hopefully)._

_I think Tali is the kind of person who would feel responsible for something which really wasn't her fault, don't you?  
_

_The third part and finale of this epic space adventure has been roughly drafted in my head, but so far it's just a big ball of fluff between S&G. Hmm. Watch this space,x

* * *

  
_

"Why Shepard?"

"And a top of the morning to you too!" Shepard replied sarcastically in a mock-Irish accent to the mystery voice as she rolled over, trying to ignore the pounding in her head.

Garrus folded his arms. "I don't know exactly what you got up to last night; but Zaeed is cursing about someone stealing some beer he won in some barfight 20 years ago, Mordin's laboratory is trashed and the ethanol he needed to extract the DNA from fruit samples has mysteriously vanished, Tali hasn't been seen all day, Kelly Chambers was found wandering around the citadel in the early hours of this morning in an outfit which can only be described as _unsavoury..."_

What exactly had she been doing last night? Memories slowly began to flood back into her; she could remember a lot of wine, a drinking contest involving shots of ethanol, making out with Kelly Chambers while Tali lay face down on her bed having just had one shot too many, a _huge_ blank, wandering around the Citadel buying things off a list and then...

_Oh shit._

"...and on top of that I can't stay in the Main Battery for more than 5 minutes without passing out due to the smell of cheap perfume, all of the calibra- _work_ I had scheduled for this morning won't be done. So, would you care to explain Shepard?"

Typical Garrus, it's always about the damn calibrations. Shepard mumbled something into her pillow as the pain in her head began to intensify.

Looking down at her he couldn't help but realise how easy it was to forget how small the Commander really was; seeing her curled up in her bed looking so vulnerable sparked something in the back of his mind. He was reminded of the first time he'd come home to his father drunk: Amazingly - and despite the huge fight they had the night beforehand - he hadn't reprimanded him too harshly, saying darkly the next morning it was a "crime which carried its own punishment". Remembering this, he couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Shepard.

"Besides, don't you think that's a little extreme, even for you Commander?" He said, taking care to lighten his tone slightly "I'm not expert, but I always thought that the typical way humans initiate mating rituals was a box of chocolates or a cute card..."

Garrus was saying something, but Shepard was having trouble focusing on what it was, the nausea which she had been battling with since she had been awoken was finally beginning to win. She hopped out of bed and made a mad dash for her bathroom, making a series of expletives and unladylike noises as she was horribly sick. When she returned, Garrus had left.

_Oh shit indeed._

_

* * *

_

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy could have kicked herself when she heard what Shepard and Kelly had done.

Weeks of gossip, planning and cajoling all gone to waste because she was stupid enough to allow herself to get drunk. _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ She should have told them whatever it was they were planning was a bad idea, not slunk away and passed out in the hangar. When she came to, she wandered up to the mess area hoping to get some food to settle her stomach. And there he was.

She was about to turn on her heel and leave when she noticed Shepard standing there too. Banter about who had the most stylish kill on the last mission was replaced by an awkward silence; with Shepard grabbing a bunch of stuff out of the fridge as quickly as possible, stumbling a few times and shooting crestfallen glances at Garrus whilst he pretended not to notice. In that moment, whatever guilt she had felt when she woke had tripled.

_Stupid! _She shouldn't have just blindly drunk ethanol without at least looking up the effects of it on Quarians on the extranet - which had turned out to be far, far more potent to her than humans. She was never particularly good at holding her drink back on the flotilla anyway, let alone compared to the legendary Commander Shepard. That ethanol did have an interesting effect on her however, albeit very, _very_ strange: Passed out she had began to have the most vivid dreams; Kal being in the engine room cleaning oil off of the main engine with a dirty rag, Kal turning around giving her a stare so intense she could feel it through his mask, Kal taking her up into his strong arms...

Tali clasped her arms around her chest tightly, glad that her suit hid her blushes from Gabby and Ken. She began to wonder how she could convince Mordin to give her some more ethanol...

* * *

Shepard lay down on her bed exasperated. After having persuaded Jack to allow her to nurse her hangover in the dark area underneath the ship without being bothering her too much, she'd just managed to spectacularly time her trip to the mess area for food with Garrus'. They had exchanged a polite "hello" and other than that...

Well other than that he'd outright ignored her. Crap, she must have really pissed him off with her antics last night; either that or he must think she was some crazy human with a weird fetish for aliens and/or some insane jealousy problem.

"_Next thing you know, Shepard has disabled EDI from the ship because Joker would rather argue with her than play make nice with Commander_" She muttered to herself under her breath.

It was no good whining about it; looking back now her behaviour had not only been disruptive to Garrus, but disruptive to the whole mission: Supposing that they found themselves face to face with a giant collector ship and the gun wouldn't fire quite right as the calibrations were off? Garrus only holed himself up in the main battery calibrating endlessly for the sake of the ship and crew.

Grabbing some card and a pen off of her desk, she knew what she had to do.

* * *

_"Do things right, or don't do them at all."_

A pure Turian through and through, as soon as EDI had fumigated the smell from the main battery, Garrus started work to catch up on his missed calibrations, refusing to take any shortcuts whatsoever in order to get the job done before bed. Consequently, he had fallen asleep in the main battery again.

Upon awakening, he walked over to the main console to see if any new calibrations needed to be done and was surprised to see an envelope placed over the main screen. _Garrus_ it read on the front in an all-too-familiar handwriting; heart pounding, he ripped it open and out fell a handmade card. On closer inspection he saw someone had drawn a cartoon version of Shepard, complete with N7 armour, on the front; she wore a very sad expression her face as she was stood alone on the surface of a crater filled planet surrounded by an army of stars which formed swirling patterns around her. Wow, who knew the great Commander Shepard was secretly an artist?

_Space sure feels empty without you._

He couldn't help but chuckle, only Shepard could think of a pun that bad and get away with it.

He opened the card and began to read the message inside.

_Garrus,_

_I'm sorry. I don't know whether you think I'm some weird alien fetishist, a crazy bitch or whatever, but I do know that how I acted was extremely selfish and immature. Please try and see it from my point of view too though: Here I am, on a strange ship full of strange people I've only just met and one of my best friends won't even talk to me seriously for 5 minutes; I mean, what the hell Vakarian? It's not like you have a thing for bits of motherboard or anything, do you? Anyway, I'm going to have to cut short here; Chambers has just burst on up here and is demanding to see what I've been doing instead of dealing with the messages at my personal terminal._

_Love (unless that makes you feel weird, in which case, yours sincerely),_

_Shepard_

_P.S. I got Kasumi to sneak this into the main battery after you fell asleep, so you might want to check that nothing has been 'misplaced'. _

Screw the calibrations for one morning: Garrus half ran-half jogged out of the room and made a beeline for the elevator which would take him straight to Shepard's personal quarters.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here we go, part 3! This has turned out fluffier than a marshmallow and cloud factory. **

**I can't help but imagine Garrus as popular with the ladies on the Citadel; but only in a way in which he was completely oblivious to it :3  
**

**I am overwhelmed about how horrendously nice everyone is here, thanks again for the kind reviews :) Anywhom, final part. So (for now at least) I'm marking it as complete so I can focus on other works. I hope you've enjoyed reading, goodnight. xxx**

* * *

Somewhere between the moment when he'd left the Main Battery and now, Garrus had winded up lying next to Shepard on her bed.

_"Shepard, I got your card."_

_"Hm? Well you don't need to stand in the doorway like that. Come in, take a seat." _

One thing had lead to another, it was as simple as that; as the conversation was masterfully steered around what needed to be said by Shepard, and Garrus – who was feeling more and more awkward - had found himself helplessly following. At times her methods of distracting him had been unorthodox to say in the least...

_"Garrus, you look so uncomfortable on the sofa like that. You're my old friend, and old friends get to sit on the bed with me!"_

_"I'm not sure if that's appropriate, Commander."_

_"No? Well you can't have any more of this delicious Quarian desert wine if you don't!"_

Of course, neither of them was especially drunk and they still weren't doing anything more conspicuous than idly chatting to one another: Shepard, however, had since manoeuvred it so that she had her head resting on his shoulder with his outstretched arm held loosely around her.

And it wasn't like he had made a move to protest such an intimate position either...

* * *

There had been a comfortable silence between the pair for a while now.

"Ever since I first clapped eyes on you on the Citadel there's something I've always wanted to know," she sighed, rolling her body ever so slightly closer to him "what exactly does that damned eyepiece of yours do?"

A low chuckle rumbled from Garrus' chest, "If I told you that, I'm afraid I would have to kill you."

"Now there's something I'd like to see you try, Vakarian."

"The long line of terrorist organizations willing to pay through the nose to resurrect you aside, I think I could just about manage it."

"Oh really? Tell me one thing then: Could you manage it with or without your eyepiece?"

"Hah. Nice try Shepard, and that's all I'm saying."

"In all my travels about the galaxy, across each of my lives, I've never seen anyone wear one of those things with such dedication; please tell me that it has some function other than making you look like an incredible badass."

"Oh? So you think my eyepiece makes me look good?"

"Do you really think you need to ask me that?"

There was an awkward pause: Garrus was jolted back into reality as he noticed her cheeks redden slightly, he could have kicked himself for saying something so insensitive.

"Well it's totally understandable if you do," he babbled "Many women have made suggestive comments about it over the years."

Shepard ducked her head.

"Not that I'd ever take them up on their offer or anything, I mean, I think girls should see more than a piece of tech equipment."

Shepard's shoulders started shaking; crap, now he'd made her cry.

"I don't mind it though if you only think I'm handsome because I have an eyepiece, if anything I find it flattering that-"

She buried her face into his armour as the shaking increased.

"Look, it doesn't do anything anyway." he admitted defeatedly "I bought it because I thought it would make me look distinguished and interesting."

The shaking reached a crescendo; it wasn't until he could hear a muffled noise coming from his shoulder that he realised she was laughing.

She pulled her face away from him gasping "I'm sorry. It's just watching you trying to dig yourself out of a hole: Who would have thought the guy who almost-singlehandedly goes up against 3 merc groups and lives to tell the tale gets all tongue-tied around the ladies?"

Garrus tried to swallow the massive blow his pride took just then.

"Listen, I like you Garrus, as a friend and as more than a friend. I don't mind it though if you don't feel the same way, your friendship is too important to me to jeopardize like that. But please, for the sake of what we have, be honest about it."

"It's not like that-" He stopped, trying to choose his words carefully. "I'm not really- I mean, this galaxy is screwed up and you are just about the only thing left in it keeping me sane, spoiling what we have is the last thing I want to do."

"Oh."

"In the military all the girls were falling over themselves for me; all they saw was this guy who was a great shot on the battlefield and when they expected the same thing off of it, I always ended up disappointing."

It was no good; the double entendre of his words set Shepard off giggling again.

"And I didn't mean it like that either!" his mandibles fluttered in embarrassment. "They would always expect me to know what to say, what to do, what they wanted, _anything_! But I'm not like that at all, and as soon as they realized they left for – what was that human phrase – greener pastures. Shepard, _none_ of them were ever interested in getting to know the real me.

"And then you appeared out of the blue with this chance for me to finally make a difference without getting saddled down with red tape. But I got more than that, for the first time in my life I had someone who listened; my father, Pallin, those girls, nobody would ever _listen. _Now I'd be lying if I said that I had a human fetish, but I respect you Shepard, and I'm sorry if I ever sent off any mixed signals: Too often I've tried to play relationships with my female friends and it's failed horribly."

"It's ok Garrus, I did overstep the line with the whole petty vandal act."

"But it's not ok; the first time someone is interested in the person I am underneath, I blow it just like I do with everything else."

"Garrus, you've played hot and cold like a malfunctioning tap and sent me to the brink with frustration at times, but the one thing you haven't managed quite yet, is to blow it."

"I appreciate your understanding Shepard, but I honestly don't mind if you wanted to find something closer to home: Jacob likes you and I bet it would take a lot less, uh, _persuasion _to get him up here."

"Him? You really need to get to get out of the forward batteries a bit more; scuttlebutt is that he and Miranda are trying to have a go at rekindling the old flame." She paused, considering what was just said. "Besides, he isn't exactly my type."

"So what is your type then?"

"Hmmmm. Strong, handsome, dependable, an upstanding sense of justice, a few facial scars to boot..."

"Turian?"

She laughed. "Oh good god no! Relax Garrus, I'm not some kinky alien fetishist; I'm interested in you, for you. As a matter of fact, I hadn't exactly given much thought as to how we could, erm, _ease some tension _as it were. But you know what? I don't care, maybe we'll figure something out to make it work, and maybe it we won't, worst comes to worst I bet that Mordin knows a thing or two about interspecies relationships..."

Garrus tried to shake the image of Mordin tussling naked with a Krogan out of his head.

"What's the matter Turian? You look like you do when I you for a spin in the Mako-Mako and a big Thresher Maw pops out of the ground."

"Oh, erm- it's nothing!" Even worse crude images involving Mordin and Thresher Maws began to flood into his mind; a subject change was desperately needed."

"Ok then, I've told you what I like in my men, you can tell me what you like in your women."

Thank Palaven for small mercies, although he still wasn't entirely sure how to answer her question. "I don't know, Shepard. I guess I'd like someone who'd always do the right thing, even if did mean hurting me. I guess I'd also want someone who was completely honest with me: Somebody I could trust, someone I knew I could always depend on, somebody like-" He stopped himself, unable to finish the words he knew she would be desperate to hear.

_Somebody like you._

"Hmm. Well when you meet her, I promise I won't stand in your way. So...?"

"Heavens Shepard, I'm not quite sure how I got myself into this mess; or what my father would say when he finds out." He lowered his voice slightly in an imitation of his father "Son, when I told you to do things right or don't do them at all that included the birds and the bees."

She laughed.

"Is that your way of saying you're willing to have a go at finding something with me?"

"Yes, I suppose it is. I think we should take it slowly though and see where it goes, at least at first: The last thing I want to do is see one of us getting hurt because we rushed things. But I meant what I said about doing the right thing; the second that you think that this isn't working, tell me. Even if it was because you found your perfect guy and wanted to trade me in for the newer model, I would still prefer it to being strung along."

"And what makes you think I haven't found him already?"

She glanced up and her emerald eyes locked with his sky blues. In that single moment the rest of the universe, along with the hell and highs they were about to face, didn't matter: All that mattered then was that they were together, ready to face anything, united. Garrus' mandibles parted slightly as Shepard leaned her face closer towards his...

"Shepard. This is Joker here, just with a heads up. Were about 15 minutes away from docking in Illium, so you might want to suit up if you haven't done so already."

Garrus pulled away and got off of the bed. "Joker's right, you get ready for Illium; besides, the Thorix Cannon might get lonely if I don't calibrate it soon..."

He narrowly avoided the pillow which was thrown at him as he darted out of the room.

* * *

Somewhere else on the Normandy, Kelly Chambers smacked Joker on the arm.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Ow! Brittle bones, remember?"

She smacked him again, this time harder.

"_Why?"_

"No reason. Just a force of old habit."

EDI's interface blinked.

"You know, Joker," Tali chimed "if you're going to have EDI access the security system in Shepard's quarters the least you could do is unmute her."

"Yeah, but then she'll start talking and I hate that."

"Oh really?" Kelly Chambers slinked her hand to EDI's manual controls, turned the volume dial up to max and broke it off cleanly.

Joker cursed his Vrolik syndrome as both girls ran away cackling.

_Just another normal day on the Normandy I guess._

_**FIN?**  
_


End file.
